The power of psychedelics: How a journey helped me process shame

A few weeks ago I used psychedelics to work with some recurring feelings and thoughts that are part of a childhood belief that I do not belong. My intention was to meet the parts of me that were feeling triggered, unloveable, and confused. 

I intentionally wanted to work with the brain’s neuroplasticity and stay engaged with it. Not to space out, not to feel better, but to help me rewire age-old beliefs engrained in me as a child, passed down long before me from generation upon generation. 

A little context

Growing up as a highly sensitive child in a household that encouraged zero emotions, I adapted a very common strategy. I couldn’t blame my parents for not providing the emotional closeness I needed to feel safe in the world, because they were my caregivers. So instead I internalized that blame as my own - and internalized blame became shame, as if something was wrong with me inherently, flawed, no good. 

And of course, as a deeply introspective kid with shame about my own being, I developed the belief that I was not good enough to be friends with other kids. And that belief continued as an adult. 

Prior emotional work

I didn’t go into this psychedelic experience completely new: not new to psychedelics, not new to inner work, not new to non-dual experiences. 

The groundwork had been laid for many years that allowed this experience to take me to the next level of my capacity to digest the past, and rewiring those beliefs that no longer serve. I went in with openness and intention. 

The experience of staying present

The trip was powerful. On several occasions it was tempting to just give in to the feel-good experience. But that’s not why I went in. I didn’t need a feel-good experience. I wanted truth. I wanted to meet these parts of myself that had been feeling pain for so long - meet the parts that had been protecting me for so long, but they did it in a child-like manner. I wanted to face my fear, my shame.

Feelings and memories came up quickly. My thinking sped up at times. Still, I kept part of my attention on my body and my breath. That balance mattered: it let me notice what was happening, make choices about how to respond, and use the brain’s increased plasticity to form new, healthier responses.

I didn’t check out. I stayed partly awake to my body and mind and used that awareness to guide what I did next.

I focused on the body instead of getting lost in stories

Early on I noticed physical tension: tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, a closed chest. My mind wanted to dissect old narratives in an effort to understand or place responsibility outside of myself. Instead of following the stories, I focused on my body.

I breathed into each tight spot and relaxed it, piece by piece. That simple approach — attention and breath — reduced the tension and made room for feelings to come up without being caught in the familiar mental narratives.

A memory about anger came up

A clear memory surfaced: I had expressed anger in public once for feeling betrayed and the people I called community at the time told me to “come back to center.” What I needed then was not to be silenced or shamed like I was in my childhood, but to be held while I expressed my anger safely.

Growing up, strong emotions were often dismissed with phrases like “that’s enough.” That taught me to hide anger and created shame about my feelings. 

This particular experience was just a replay of a childhood dynamic. And while I had the knowledge that taught me that there was nothing wrong with expressing my anger in public in the way I did, I still internalized it and it turned into shame: “I shouldn’t have done that”, “I was off center and I should have been able to regulate myself more quickly”, “this is just another reason why that community doesn’t like me”.....

And then something shifted

It would have been easy to get caught up in another thought spiral about how it was ok what I did, or how I wasn’t met in the right way, or how unhealed I am. But with the help of my own intentions to stay present and the neuroplasticity from the psychedelics, I instead started to recall instances of internalized blame (aka shame) about my behavior from the past without stories. Just short “one-sentence thoughts” about the past reminding me briefly of shame about myself. 

And then something shifted…instead of following the thoughts, I started visualizing myself as a 5 year old kid (and I was such a cute kid with a bowl cut and big gentle eyes that could see through your soul) for each of these memories. 

The experience of expressing anger at the park as a 40-somewhat year old became my 5 year old self being angry in public. A 5 year old who feels genuine anger. 

And this thought-feeling came to me: what would I do if I were this kid’s dad? Would I tell him to shush? Would I tell him that’s enough? Absolutely not! I would sit in the grass with him and protect him from anyone who would dare tell him to not express his emotions. I would meet my own kid within INFINITE compassion and patience. I would love him UNCONDITIONALLY and without reserve. 

At that moment I wouldn’t give a damn about any book on parenting, any public image or what would be deemed “appropriate”. I would act from love - simple, pure, and true. 

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection." — Buddha 

I became a dad

And so, that is what I did with all these different kid versions of myself. I contained the space so that each of these younger parts of myself could fully and unapologetically express themselves and feel completely safe to do so. 

The kid who judged…

The kid who felt self-pity…

The kid who expressed anger…

The kid who collapsed and went completely quiet and introverted…

The shy kid…

The emotional kid…

The sensitive kid…

These were all my children and I loved the heck out of them! I loved them unconditionally, sometimes fiercely, sometimes gently. I let the love pour out of me, without any mental concepts of what it should look like. Just letting it…

Shame began to shift

As I loved each of these kids with all my heart the heavy shame I’d carried for years loosened. The tightness in my chest eased. The resistance to ANYTHING loosened. The mental fight against my own choices loosened. 

I have not been free of emotions, and life didn’t just become all rainbows and sunshine, but I feel more engaged with it now. Less susceptible to my body’s auto-response, not so burdened by undigested pain. 

I didn’t convince myself with logic of what was right or wrong. I helped my body and emotions finish a process they hadn’t been allowed to complete before.

Post-journey clarity

The memory of being told to “come back to center” changed for me. I could see that people around me were uncomfortable and reacted poorly, not that I was inherently wrong. That understanding didn’t erase what happened, but it changed how that memory affected me. It showed me that I could protect myself and create a different internal response going forward. 

And other memories were reframed in this process, as well. 

But the real gold was not that others should have shown up better, it’s that I am a completely capable and loving parent to myself.

Perhaps this inspires you to ask yourself the same question: what would happen if I truly treated all these different parts of myself the way I would my own kid? Not conceptually, but as a lived experience… And what if I extend that same unconditional love I give the parts of me I don’t like so much to others? Not only as a practice, but again as a lived experience…

This might just reconcile the irreconcilable - this might just be an embodiment of non-separation of us as humans and all that is. And we are capable of this kind of love.

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