The unexpected wisdom of emotions: How to make room for them

We live in a culture that often encourages us to keep a lid on our emotions. We’re told to "be strong," "look on the bright side," or "just get over it."

While these well-meaning sentiments might seem helpful, they often lead to emotional suppression—a habit of pushing uncomfortable feelings away. But your emotions are not the enemy. They are a powerful and essential part of your internal guidance system, and making room for them is a profound act of self-care and self-awareness.

The hidden cost of emotional suppression

Emotional suppression is a common coping mechanism. It usually starts in childhood, in families where emotions were dismissed or seen as a sign of weakness. We learn to bottle things up to avoid conflict, judgment, or feeling overwhelmed. In the short term, this strategy can provide a false sense of control. But in the long run, it takes a heavy toll on both your mental and physical health.

"When you suppress emotions, they don’t just disappear."

They manifest in other ways, like physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, and fatigue. Studies have even linked chronic emotional suppression to an increased risk of heart disease and high blood pressure.

On a psychological level, it can lead to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and a feeling of being disconnected or numb. The very act of trying not to feel makes you feel worse.

Understanding avoidance: A neuroscience and polyvagal perspective

To truly understand why we avoid emotions, we must look at the brain and nervous system. The limbic system, located deep within the brain, is a key player in processing our emotions. When we perceive a threat, the amygdala—the brain's alarm system—is triggered, initiating a hormonal cascade that prepares the body to either confront or flee from the perceived danger. However, this is not the whole story.

Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains that our nervous system has a hierarchy of responses to threats.

• When we feel safe and connected, our ventral vagal system is online, allowing for social engagement and calm.

• When a perceived threat emerges, we may shift into the sympathetic state of fight or flight.

• But when the threat is overwhelming and we feel trapped with no way out, our most primitive response, the dorsal vagal system, takes over. This is the body's "freeze" or "shutdown" response, where our system immobilizes and energy is conserved.

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From a neurobiological standpoint, emotional avoidance is often a survival-based defensive response. For many, the intensity of past emotional trauma or overwhelming experiences has wired their nervous system to perceive emotional vulnerability itself as a threat.

The emotional numbing and detachment we feel when suppressing emotions is the dorsal vagal system keeping us "safe" by shutting down. It is not a character flaw, but a deep physiological adaptation.

Your emotions are your messengers

Instead of viewing emotions as problems to be fixed, what if we saw them as messengers with important information? Your feelings—even the difficult ones—serve a purpose.

• Anger can signal that a boundary has been crossed or a core need is not being met.

• Sadness often indicates a loss and the need for comfort or a period of grief.

• Fear can be a warning sign to protect yourself from a perceived threat.

By ignoring these signals, you miss out on valuable insights about yourself, your needs, and your relationships. You are essentially turning off your internal GPS, leaving you lost and disoriented. Learning to safely process these signals is how we expand our "window of tolerance"—the capacity to manage difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Creating space: The three-step process

So how do you start making space for your emotions? It begins with a simple, three-step process: Notice, Name, and Normalize.

• Notice: The first step is to simply become aware of your emotions. Throughout the day, take a moment to check in with yourself. Instead of immediately distracting yourself or pushing a feeling away, simply acknowledge its presence. You can do this by paying attention to the physical sensations in your body. Does your chest feel tight? Is your jaw clenched? Where do you feel the energy of this emotion? This is a simple act of mindfulness that builds emotional awareness.

• Name: Once you’ve noticed an emotion, give it a name. Labeling your feelings, even just for yourself, can decrease their intensity and help you process them more effectively. Using a tool like a "feelings wheel" can expand your emotional vocabulary beyond just "good" or "bad." Are you feeling frustrated? Annoyed? Disappointed? The more specific you can be, the more clarity you gain about what's really going on.

• Normalize: The final step is to normalize the experience. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel this way. All emotions are a natural part of being human. Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't feel so angry about this," try "It's understandable to feel angry when my boundaries are crossed." Normalizing your emotions allows you to meet yourself with compassion rather than shame.

Practical ways to practice

Making room for your emotions is a skill that strengthens over time. Here are some practical ways to practice:

• Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings without censorship or judgment. This can be a powerful way to process complex emotions.

• Creative expression: If words don't come easily, try another outlet. Art, music, or dance can be powerful non-verbal ways to release and express emotions.

• Mindful movement: Activities like yoga, stretching, or even a walk in nature can help you reconnect with your body and the emotions stored within it.

• Vagal nerve stimulation: Practices like humming, singing, or cold exposure can help regulate your nervous system and bring you back into a ventral vagal state of calm and social engagement.

• Seek connection: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Sharing your feelings with others, and receiving emotional validation, is a powerful antidote to feeling alone in your struggle.

Learning to make room for your emotions is an essential and courageous step toward living a more authentic, integrated, and peaceful life.

By acknowledging your feelings instead of pushing them away, you transform them from unwanted visitors into valuable guides on your journey to self-understanding. When you begin to work with your body's innate wisdom, rather than fighting against it, you can move from a state of survival to a state of thriving.

It can be a confusing and overwhelming process to learn to make space for emotions. I am here to help you learn to metabolize feelings without suppressing them or being overtaken by them.

What is one small step you can take today to own your part in a past or present conflict?

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