Letting go: The paradox of trying to let go

We talk about letting go like it’s an action — something to check off the healing to-do list. “Just let it go,” people say, as if it’s that simple.

But the truth is, letting go is not something you do. It’s what happens when you stop holding on.

Letting Go Is the Absence of Holding

We often try to let go by forcing ourselves to “move on” or “get over it.” We distract, suppress, or convince ourselves that we’re done feeling a certain way. But that kind of “letting go” is really just another form of control — another way of tightening around what hurts.

Real letting go feels more like relaxing every place inside you that’s gripping. The shoulders that lift when you think about what happened. The chest that tightens when you remember what you lost.The thoughts that loop to make sense of it all.

Letting go is not pushing the feeling away. It’s allowing every layer of resistance — every “should,” every “why,” every “not again” — to soften. It’s exhaling into the truth of what’s here, even when it aches.

It’s not a doing. It’s an undoing.

Why We Hold On

We hold on because we’re afraid that if we let go, the pain will consume us — or that we’ll lose control, or lose the meaning we made from what happened. Sometimes, holding on feels like the only way to stay connected to the person we were, the love we had, or the safety we once knew.

But holding on is heavy. It keeps us tethered to the past and disconnected from the present.

Underneath that tension, there’s usually something deeper — guilt, shame, regret, or grief. And these are the feelings we’re most afraid to feel.

That’s where self-forgiveness comes in.

Letting Go and Self-Forgiveness

True letting go is inseparable from self-forgiveness. And real self-forgiveness isn’t about saying, “It’s okay, it wasn’t my fault,” or trying to rationalize away our choices.

It’s about allowing ourselves to feel — fully, honestly, and without turning away.

Guilt and shame are not bad or wrong; they’re signals of where love has not yet reached. When we can meet those emotions with compassion instead of judgment, something powerful happens: the tension starts to release on its own.

Self-forgiveness is not an intellectual exercise — it’s an embodied one.It’s the moment your heart softens toward the part of you that didn’t know better.The part that was scared, confused, or simply doing its best to survive.It’s saying to that part, “You’re worthy of love.”

Feeling, Not Forcing

When we try to rush healing, we end up layering over what’s real. We reframe before we’ve felt. We force closure before the heart has exhaled.

But the body knows. It holds on to every unfinished emotion, every unspoken truth, every forgiveness we haven’t yet offered ourselves.

So instead of trying to do letting go, what if you allowed yourself to feel what’s here — without needing it to change? Let the grief tremble through you. Let the guilt surface and be seen.Let the shame have a voice, just for a moment.

Then meet each of those with tenderness — not analysis, not fixing. Just presence. That’s how we stop abandoning ourselves in the name of “healing.” That’s how we come home.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” — Carl Jung

The Body as a Doorway

Your body is the gateway to true release. Every sigh, every tear, every trembling muscle is your system saying, “I’m ready to let go now.”

When you relax your body — your jaw, your belly, your breath — you tell your nervous system it’s safe to release what it’s been holding. The safety your mind has been searching for comes from the inside out.

It’s paradoxical: the more we stop trying to let go, the more it naturally happens.Because what’s been held doesn’t need to be pushed away. It needs to be felt all the way through.

The Compassion That Heals

When you meet your pain with unconditional compassion, you’re rewriting the story that pain once told. You’re teaching your body and heart that it’s safe to feel.

That you don’t need to reject or repress yourself anymore. That every part of you — even the ones you once judged or denied — deserves love.

That’s the real essence of forgiveness. Not condoning what happened, but choosing to stay connected to yourself through it.

Letting Go Happens in the Moment You Stop Trying

Letting go isn’t an event — it’s a process of softening, layer by layer. It happens in quiet moments: a deep breath that feels a little freer, a thought that no longer hooks you, a tenderness that replaces the blame.

Sometimes it happens gradually, sometimes all at once. But it never happens through force. It happens through love.

Letting go is not abandoning what hurts. It’s embracing it fully enough that it no longer has to hold on to you.

A Simple Practice to Begin

If you want to begin this process gently, try this:

1. Pause and feel your body. Notice where you’re holding tension.

2. Breathe into that place. Imagine your breath softening the edges.

3. Ask what this part of you needs to feel safe. Maybe it needs permission, maybe understanding.

4. Offer compassion. Place your hand over your heart. Say softly: “It’s okay to feel this. You don’t have to let it go yet.”

When we stop trying to control what hurts and instead meet it with gentle awareness, the past begins to loosen its grip. The heart begins to expand. And life starts flowing again — not because we forced it, but because we finally allowed it.

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