From opposition to allies: Transforming arguments in relationships
- Welmer van der Wel
- Aug 1, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 13
From Opposition to Allies: Using Arguments as Mirrors for Self-Awareness
Arguments in relationships can feel like battles. We enter them hoping to be heard, understood, or validated. But from a Jungian perspective, seeking understanding from the other is often a trap: it places our sense of wholeness outside ourselves.
True allyship in conflict isn’t about convincing the other, winning the point, or being “right.” It’s about seeing ourselves more clearly — recognizing what unconscious patterns, projections, and shadow parts are emerging in the heat of the moment.
When we understand arguments this way, conflict stops being a fight against someone else and becomes a reflection of our inner world. Each trigger is a mirror, revealing parts of ourselves we haven’t fully integrated. The person across from us is not the enemy; they are the living reflection of what is still hidden within.
Why We Fall Into Oppositional Conflict
It’s tempting to expect the other person to meet our needs, because it’s easier than doing the work of self-awareness. Our nervous systems crave quick resolution, social approval, and validation. We latch onto books, workshops, or cultural scripts about how “men and women fight” or “how to argue effectively,” hoping someone else’s framework will give us the answers we can’t find within ourselves.
But these practical solutions often bypass the inner work. They keep our shadows projected onto others and perpetuate repetitive conflict patterns. Jung would call these projections — our unintegrated parts — and remind us that until we recognize them within ourselves, they will continue to surface through our relationships.
Arguments as Mirrors of the Shadow
The shadow is composed of the parts of ourselves we reject, repress, or deny. In arguments, the shadow shows up as:
Triggers: That sudden, disproportionate anger or irritation.
Projection: Seeing in the other person what we refuse to see in ourselves.
Defensiveness: Protecting our ego’s story instead of engaging with reality.
"Everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbor, and we treat him accordingly" -- Carl Jung
When we pay attention to these signals, we can transform conflict from a destructive cycle into an opportunity for growth.
Practical exercises to work with the shadow after conflict:
Name the trigger: Pause when you feel reactive and ask, “Which part of me is lighting up right now?”
Identify the story: Determine if this reaction is tied to an old pattern — fear of abandonment, shame, inadequacy, or past hurts.
Sit with the feeling: Allow the discomfort to exist without immediately acting on it. Let yourself feel without blaming.
Reparent the part: Offer compassion, understanding, and care to the part of yourself that is activated.
By turning inward, we stop projecting our shadow onto our partner and start responding from wholeness.
Shifting From Opposition to Allyship: A Deeper Dive
Shifting from opposition to allyship begins with an inside-out approach: recognizing that the work is yours first. True allyship is not contingent on the other person changing. It’s about changing how you engage, how you respond, and how you embody presence. It is a conscious choice to see conflict as a joint exploration rather than a contest of wills.
The Mindset of Allyship
Curiosity Over Judgment: Instead of assuming the other is “wrong,” approach conflict with curiosity. Ask: “What is this showing me about myself? About my partner? About our dynamic?” Curiosity softens defensiveness and creates space for insight.
Ownership Over Blame: Recognize your triggers, projections, and reactions. Instead of, “You always do this,” try, “I notice I feel reactive when…” This small but profound shift keeps the focus on conscious participation rather than unconscious projection.
Presence Over Reactivity: Arguments are often escalated by emotional contagion — the more reactive we become, the more our partner mirrors it. Staying present in your body, noticing tension, and grounding through breath slows the cycle and allows allyship to emerge.
The Rhythm of Attention
In true allyship, attention flows like a conversation dance. At first, one person may need to fully express themselves while the other listens with full presence. This isn’t just polite listening — it’s a deep, intentional witnessing where the listener tracks their own triggers, resists the urge to fix, and holds space without judgment.
Once the first person feels acknowledged, the roles can reverse. This rhythm — attention flowing in and out — transforms conflict from a duel into a collaborative exploration.
Practical Exercises to Cultivate Allyship
Mirroring: Repeat back what your partner said in your own words. Focus on feelings, not solutions. “It sounds like you’re frustrated because…”
Pause and Breathe: When tension rises, pause. Notice your body. Slow your breath. Anchor yourself in the present before responding.
Name the Shadow: Identify what part of you is reacting. Shame? Anger? Fear of abandonment? Acknowledging it internally prevents projection onto your partner.
Reflective Questions: Ask yourself silently during conflict:
“Which part of me is lighting up?”
“What story am I replaying from my past?”
“Am I seeking validation outside myself?”
Mutual Check-Ins: After a heated exchange, take a few minutes to reflect and share lessons: “I noticed that I felt triggered by… and I see it relates to….”
Integrating the Body as Barometer
Arguments are not only mental — they are bodily experiences. Our nervous systems signal stress, fear, or constriction long before our minds consciously register conflict. Paying attention to these cues allows us to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
Exercises to use the body as a guide:
Place a hand on your chest or stomach and notice tension.
Take three slow, deep breaths, focusing on releasing tightness.
Notice impulses: do you want to speak, interrupt, or shut down? Pause before acting.
Experiment with grounding: press your feet into the floor, soften your jaw, relax your shoulders.
Questions for Reflection
Which arguments trigger me repeatedly, and why?
What parts of myself are showing up unintegrated during conflict?
What old stories or expectations am I unconsciously replaying?
How do I want to show up, regardless of whether the other person changes?
These questions help shift the goal from being “understood” to being conscious. You begin to realize that allyship is an inside job first — and any relational harmony flows from there.
Shadow + Allyship Practice Guide
Morning Check-In (5 minutes):
Notice your bodily tension and emotional state.
Ask: “Which parts of me might be reactive today?”
During Conflict:
Name your triggers silently.
Pause, breathe, and ground.
Use “I” statements to communicate feelings.
Mirror your partner’s experience without offering solutions.
Post-Conflict Reflection (10 minutes):
Journal: “What did I learn about my shadow today?”
Identify repetitive patterns.
Practice self-compassion: offer care to the parts that felt triggered.
Weekly Integration:
Discuss with your partner the patterns you’ve noticed.
Share reflections on how allyship is developing.
Celebrate moments where conflict became a mirror rather than a battlefield.
From Opposition to Allies: The Transformative Outcome
When allyship becomes habitual, relationships shift profoundly:
Oppositional energy softens into curiosity and collaboration.
Conflict becomes a mirror of personal growth rather than a source of pain.
Emotional regulation improves because each person practices presence and self-awareness.
Deep intimacy and trust emerge from shared vulnerability and mutual accountability.
In essence, moving from opposition to allyship is about consciously participating in the relational mirror, choosing presence, taking responsibility for your own projections, and meeting the other person with curiosity and compassion. Arguments stop being a battlefield and become a laboratory — a place to witness, integrate, and evolve, both individually and together.
By using each argument as a mirror, we practice the true essence of allyship: standing together, conscious, integrated, and fully ourselves.
Support for becoming a team in your relationships
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